Seaside Recap- by Cam Secret aka the Seeks


This year's contingent of hopeful Seaside champions featured Geoff Emslie, Jen Williams, Ryan Cawsey, Scott Emslie, Jeremy King, Tony Skultecky, Rachelle Thomas, Kathleen Brownlee and yours truly, The Seeks. Spirits were high and loins were tingling as the group prepared for its Thursday morning departure. What follows is an almost entirely non-fictional account of last weekend in Oregon.

Thursday
8:45am
Despite repeatedly agreeing on a 7:00am pick-up, Geoff (with Tony and Kinger following in a second car) arrives at The Seeks' place a full 90 minutes late. Bad move. The Seeks, already grumpy from a 6:30am wake-up call, has spent the last hour and a half brewing up a hot cup of belligerent whoop-ass. And violently foul gas.

9:05am
The Seeks is requested to drive as Geoff has just finished a 10 hour shift at work. With several deft lane changes and obvious disregard for his companions well-being, The Seeks quickly loses Tony and Kinger amid the mid-morning rush-hour traffic en-route to the border.

9:11am
The Seeks realizes that HE has made several wrong turns and is now heading in the wrong direction. A text message from Kinger reveals that Tony and he are already at the border and wondering where Geoff and The Seeks are. The Seeks has the sensation that his blood, or his ass, may be boiling.

10:50am
The Seeks and Geoff rendezvous with Tony and Kinger at McDonald's in Butt-fuck, Washington. As payback for reaching the border before him, The Seeks once again loses Tony, this time in Seattle.

2:49pm
Geoff has been asleep for the better part of the trip, and thus has been fortunate to miss The Seeks nodding off at the wheel for the last 30 minutes. At a gas station in Longview, Washington, the pair purchase fuel and some snacks. The Seeks debates whether or not he should sample the store's fried chicken. Geoff makes a face in the negative, providing for The Seeks adequate confirmation that it is indeed a good idea.

8:27pm
The foursome has met up with Cawsey, Scott, Jen and Rachelle and, after dinner at a local Italian eatery, is now at Safeway, stocking up on essentials for the weekend. Geoff and The Seeks stock up on buns, meat, granola bars and Gatorade. Kinger and Tony approach the check-out counter carrying a 24 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

Friday
8:12am
Despite loathing anything labeled "Extreme," The Seeks decides to give the food vendor's Extreme Coffee a chance. The Seeks has conveniently forgotten that he has, in the past 2 weeks, also bought a stick of deodorant, a sports drink and a bottle of shower gel all clearly displaying the aforementioned word. (Incidentally, the coffee wasn't half bad, and the other products have proved to be more than adequate.)

3:41pm
After struggling to find their groove all day, Geoff and The Seeks are eliminated from the tournament, losing to a pair of players from Seattle that Geoff feels "fucking suck balls." The match ends with The Seeks tripping and falling to the ground in mid-peel in a most ungraceful way while desperately trying to keep the ball alive by frantically flailing away with both feet. He is unsuccessful. The Seeks is dejected and near tears. In an effort to truly demonstrate his grief, he stoically marches towards the ocean, determined not to stop until the sea envelops him in its frothy embrace. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to The Seeks, the ocean is freezing, and he is greeted by a thousand stabbing pins and needles, and is unable to get beyond mid-calf before he succumbs to complete and utter numbness. He returns, even more demoralized than before.

5:02pm
Kathleen has also been eliminated from the tournament and, along with Geoff and The Seeks, forms a support group for losers. Their first resolution is to get drunk and find some weed.

5:54pm
A friendly American obliges the triumvirate in their noble quest, and after taking a couple of man-sized hits from a pipe McGuyvered from spare engine parts, The Seeks is stoned. Proper stoned. When Geoff starts telling stories about a skier named Rob Guay (pronounced "Gay"), The Seeks giggles every time the downhiller's last name is mentioned. The group soon leaves.

6:03pm
In another attempt at encouraging solidarity among themselves, The Losers resolve not to make fun of each other, either for their less-than-stellar tournament performances or otherwise. No more than 30 seconds later, after The Seeks declares that the thought of a McDonald's burger is giving him a big chubby, Geoff asks "Don't you mean small?", prompting hysterical laughter from both himself and Kathleen. The Seeks throws his palms skyward and harangues the Lord.

9:15pm
The Seeks struggles through a game of Wizard, forgetting again and again that a 2 can never be trump. This mistake costs him dearly on a number of occasions.

Saturday
Noon
The Seeks, abandoned by Geoff, who has returned back to Vancouver, is growing progressively bitter and bored watching The Canadians compete in the late rounds of the tournament and thus declares it to be "Beer O'clock!" Kathleen, having no reasonable excuse not to drink, agrees. While purchasing some Bud at the local corner store, she encounters a young man she met the night before at the beach whom she has dubbed The Beard. The young man, whose real name is not important enough to be remembered here, was apparently attracted to Kathleen's "energy." (The Seeks spent considerable time with Kathleen the night before and does not know what the hell this guy is talking about.) It is obvious that Kathleen finds the situation excruciatingly awkward, but The Seeks takes the opportunity to make idle chitchat with The Beard, thereby heightening Kathleen's discomfort. The dialogue ends with The Beard saying "Maybe I'll join you" and Kathleen rushing out the door, dragging The Seeks behind her.

12:21pm
Kathleen spills half her beer in the sand. The Seeks is not impressed and ponders giving her a sound thrashing.

1:12pm
A beer and a half later, Kathleen declares herself to be drunk. Realizing the remaining 8 beer are his, The Seeks decides to put the thrashing on hold.

3:49pm
Tony and Kinger have also now been ousted from the tournament, and have joined Rachelle, Jen, Kathleen and The Seeks courtside to watch Ryan and Scott play in the semi-finals. The group has befriended some locals whose prime objective is apparently to get as bombed as possible. The Canadians are offered several Bush Lights, back rubs and repeated hits from a jug of Yucaflux (which Jen insists on calling a Hookah).

4:04pm
Ryan and Scott are dispatched in straight sets by eventual champions Dana Camacho and Chris Hanneman, who seem to lack the ability to either smile or speak while playing. Chris, however, does a breathtaking job of continually mouthing the words "Fucking bullshit." During the match, The Seeks is approached by an affable Californian named Kjell who, along with his partner Tate, humped Geoff and The Seeks in last year's tournament. For no apparent reason, Kjell declares The Seeks to be the "best player in the tournament." Kjell's declaration serves as a vindication of sorts for The Seeks, as it confirms for him what he believed to be true all along.

11:38pm
Fueled by a belly-full of gin and tonic, and emboldened by Kjell's inflated (and wildly erroneous) assessment of his volleyball skills, The Seeks feels confident that a drunken dance-floor makeout is a certainty.

Sunday
1:06am
With the bar closing, and no makeout prospects on the horizon, The Seeks leaves in disgust, mumbling "Best player in the tournament and can't even find someone to makeout with. Fucking brutal." The others venture off in search of a house party sponsored by Plastic, a surfing clothing company. The party, sources reveal, was little more than a "sausage party."

4:01am
Scott is spotted jogging along the highway back to the hotel.

11:58am
Kathleen, Tony, Kinger and The Seeks stop for breakfast in Astoria at the Pig'n'Pancake. An extremely irritable Seeks compounds his foul temper by ordering an iced tea, failing to remember that those "fucking American idiots don't know how to make a fucking iced tea. He punctuates his rant by saying "If I wanted a glass of cold fucking tea, that's what I'd order for fuck's sakes." The rest of the group seems untroubled by the previous night's activities; in fact, Kathleen and Tony acquire a case of "the giggles," a common affliction for anyone who wakes up and realizes they are still drunk. Tony orders the potato pancakes, which appear to be little more than grilled hashbrowns, prompting Kathleen and Tony to continue giggling for a full 15 minutes. The Seeks contemplates impaling himself with his fork.

1:14pm
In an effort to combat the overwhelming boredom that has overtaken the trip, Kinger invents a game that involves identifying a word that connects three seemingly disparate ones. For example, Victoria , Cam and Identity are connected by the fact that "they all have a Secret." A cranky Seeks pays little attention to the first two questions, and Kathleen takes an early 2-0 lead. Suddenly realizing that his manhood is on the line, The Seeks rebounds and gradually imposes his will, concluding his 10-6 victory by bellowing "Suck on deez nuts!" Having finally proven to be successful at something, The Seeks is overjoyed and quickly falls asleep.

9:03pm
The customs officer at the border seems incredulous that nobody is bringing anything back with them from the US. Having already advised the group that "It's OK, you're allowed to bring stuff back," he even goes so far as to ask Kinger, "So, was that shirt you're wearing free?" Kinger, having received the shirt for finishing 5th replies honestly, "Yes, it was." The official is nonplussed by the response, and simply waves the vehicle through.

THE END